...that is the question. It's the beginning of the new year and like all predictable cliched persons weight loss is on my resolution list. I managed tremendous success with my resolution from last year, which was to incorporate exercise back into my life. This year's goal is to maintain that, along with really getting my weight loss.
But in the end, the goal isn't about losing weight. It's about self-discipline. And it's shameful, really, how little self-discipline I actually have. It's no wonder I have internal conflict, because my mind IS self-disciplined. I need order and uniformity, and yet somewhere in the connection the need and the ability to achieve get re-wired until paralysis sets in. Is it genetic? Maybe. We shall soon see, because starting today it's going to be put to the test.
Can I control myself to lose 15 pounds? Go.
04 January 2012
28 December 2011
I haven't posted to the blahg in all of 2011. How sad is that? So in 2012, I've decided I'm going to write something every day. Even if it's boring or ridiculous. Even if I'm exhausted. I managed to add exercising into my daily routine in 2011 and it arguably was the more important choice. Now it's time to incorporate other satisfying routines into the world.
The boys made me laugh the other day because I've been working so many hours lately, at times when I'm home I'm playing farm craft off of Shockwave because it's literally mindless. I can sit there clicking, figuring out how to harvest my crops without thinking about work or other mentally stressful things I sometimes focus on. But kids, being what they are, call you out on your crap. They told me that I could write my book in the time I spent playing the game. And so I figured they were right. Time to stop being lazy.
Welcome to 2012. It's going to be a happy new year!
The boys made me laugh the other day because I've been working so many hours lately, at times when I'm home I'm playing farm craft off of Shockwave because it's literally mindless. I can sit there clicking, figuring out how to harvest my crops without thinking about work or other mentally stressful things I sometimes focus on. But kids, being what they are, call you out on your crap. They told me that I could write my book in the time I spent playing the game. And so I figured they were right. Time to stop being lazy.
Welcome to 2012. It's going to be a happy new year!
13 September 2010
Exhaustion
One of my coworkers came into my office today and said, man, you look pretty haggard and sick. Thanks. Apparently now we know why he's single.
25 July 2010
Dreams
I had the most disturbing dream last night. I dreamed that I was called back to my high school to investigate a murder. Except the school wasn't my old school...it was just a random, more modern school. So I drove there and was taken to the body, which was the body of a young woman with brown hair. And she had been beaten on the head with a blunt object and it had smashed her skull in. And there was blood and brain matter all over the concrete. I looked over the scene and left it for the CSI while I went and interviewed people to see if I could discover clues. So I went from teacher to student, following her shortened day's path starting from when she got to the school to the point when she died. And as I was going along, one of the teachers, a man, started to make me nervous by the way he was acting. I was suspicious of him, and kept coming back to ask him more questions because his answers didn't quite come out right. At one point we were in a theater, and I was asking him questions, writing on my little flip note pad and he tried to kiss me. And all I was thinking was he was trying to distract me, distract me from the truth. I pulled away from him and continued on.
I met him again in the afternoon, in the chemistry room, outside of which the woman was found. I kept thinking he did it, he did it, but I had no proof yet. The lights were off in the room, although it was relatively bright because it was a sunny day. And the door had a frosted glass window in it, where you could see shapes moving outside of it. It lead onto an outside sidewalk that ringed each of the classrooms, whose doors opened up to the outside in a courtyard. I was walking to the door and when I put my hand on the handle and pulled it open, I was suddenly hit with the realization that I had just traveled the path of the dead woman and it was clear that, in reality, I WAS the dead woman that was found that morning and that I was taking her/my last step, and that soon I would die. And it came, too, from behind. A crushing blow to the skull with what I knew was a hammer. Over and over, I could actually feel the pain of my skull splintering and shattering and my body falling to the ground, the hard scraping of my skin against the concrete. And he looked at me, right before I died, and said I told you so.
I met him again in the afternoon, in the chemistry room, outside of which the woman was found. I kept thinking he did it, he did it, but I had no proof yet. The lights were off in the room, although it was relatively bright because it was a sunny day. And the door had a frosted glass window in it, where you could see shapes moving outside of it. It lead onto an outside sidewalk that ringed each of the classrooms, whose doors opened up to the outside in a courtyard. I was walking to the door and when I put my hand on the handle and pulled it open, I was suddenly hit with the realization that I had just traveled the path of the dead woman and it was clear that, in reality, I WAS the dead woman that was found that morning and that I was taking her/my last step, and that soon I would die. And it came, too, from behind. A crushing blow to the skull with what I knew was a hammer. Over and over, I could actually feel the pain of my skull splintering and shattering and my body falling to the ground, the hard scraping of my skin against the concrete. And he looked at me, right before I died, and said I told you so.
13 July 2010
11 More Days
I was exhausted this morning. I've spent more time than I care to admit examining every aspect of my life. Years now. I don't know why, really, since the answers are the same no matter which way I look at it. Twenty-three years with nothing to show for it, with the notable exception of two wonderful kids I probably don't deserve. I know myself and I always have, no matter how much I've allowed myself to second guess it. I've tried to give all the people in my life my consideration and understanding, my loyalty and love. I've tried to work hard, be honest and do the right thing. And all this time I've been trying to answer the question of whether it's been worthwhile.
What I've come to realize is that it doesn't matter whether it's been worthwhile. Everything I've experienced, everything that's happened in my life to bring me to wherever it is I am today, none of it really matters. It was simply a means to an end. And I've realized that it doesn't matter what I think about it or how I evaluate it. Rather, what's most important is how I use what I've been given.
And thus the challenge. Being a master of self-reflection, I know full well I haven't used a tenth of what I've been given. Less even. So the question is whether I will wallow in lamentation over how incapable I am of achieving anything with my talents, or whether I will simply change it and start recognizing all of which I am capable.
God has brought many wonderful people into my life. Many. Flawed? Yes. But wonderful people who have helped make me who I am today. But the one person who turns out to be the one invaluable piece, the one I can't live without? Jennifer.
If you know us, my sister and I are very different people. *very* different. but if anyone chose to look closer, she is very much the ying to my yang. She is everything that I, thus far in my life, have been incapable of being and yet everything I value. She has the inner strength to redefine herself and the discipline to see it through. She is compassionate and loving. She is quintessentially WYSIWYG--there is quite simply no pretense about her. I often say she's not an easy person to deal with sometimes, as I'm sure many people say about me as well. But she's worth it in every respect.
And after all the self reflection and thought and examination I've done in my life, I think it's pretty ironic that such an important part of my life has been there the whole time and I haven't appreciated it for what it was. Typically me, to be honest. It's very true sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. But lucky for me somehow I always manage to recongize greatness in people. Jennifer is great people. Now the question becomes is whether I can model all the great things she brings in my own life. I guess only time will tell.
Eleven more days until I turn 40.
Brave
Loyal
Honest
Forthright
Flexible
Malleable
Hardworking
Forgiving
Funny
Go.
What I've come to realize is that it doesn't matter whether it's been worthwhile. Everything I've experienced, everything that's happened in my life to bring me to wherever it is I am today, none of it really matters. It was simply a means to an end. And I've realized that it doesn't matter what I think about it or how I evaluate it. Rather, what's most important is how I use what I've been given.
And thus the challenge. Being a master of self-reflection, I know full well I haven't used a tenth of what I've been given. Less even. So the question is whether I will wallow in lamentation over how incapable I am of achieving anything with my talents, or whether I will simply change it and start recognizing all of which I am capable.
God has brought many wonderful people into my life. Many. Flawed? Yes. But wonderful people who have helped make me who I am today. But the one person who turns out to be the one invaluable piece, the one I can't live without? Jennifer.
If you know us, my sister and I are very different people. *very* different. but if anyone chose to look closer, she is very much the ying to my yang. She is everything that I, thus far in my life, have been incapable of being and yet everything I value. She has the inner strength to redefine herself and the discipline to see it through. She is compassionate and loving. She is quintessentially WYSIWYG--there is quite simply no pretense about her. I often say she's not an easy person to deal with sometimes, as I'm sure many people say about me as well. But she's worth it in every respect.
And after all the self reflection and thought and examination I've done in my life, I think it's pretty ironic that such an important part of my life has been there the whole time and I haven't appreciated it for what it was. Typically me, to be honest. It's very true sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. But lucky for me somehow I always manage to recongize greatness in people. Jennifer is great people. Now the question becomes is whether I can model all the great things she brings in my own life. I guess only time will tell.
Eleven more days until I turn 40.
Brave
Loyal
Honest
Forthright
Flexible
Malleable
Hardworking
Forgiving
Funny
Go.
28 June 2010
Intimacy for dummies
It's Monday. I worked quite literally all day on the annual prequalification, but at 1645 it was ready for review. It's too bad no one wanted to take the time to review it. :-) such is life. I spent all day at my desk and then headed home. I was lucky...Ron got called into work and the boys were with me on a rare Monday evening. We had fun. They wanted to watch TV with me...I Survived. Completely inappropriate for kids their age, but I want them to learn that bad things can happen, and to learn how, while we may not be able to stop things happening, there are steps you can do to avoid things, situations you can try to not put yourself in, in the hopes of not having to go through horrific ordeals. And to prep them in case one does happen. You never know what will happen, but you can try to prepare yourself somehow. Then they got bored and went to play on FB and Wii. I got a couple of hours in with them, though. Took a shower, and then talked to Christie for about an hour about work, and the new show, Baggage. We're trying to decide whether these people really have baggage or if they're just coming on and TMIing.
I also got to spend time this evening with someone who, while peripheral in my life, affords me a certain degree of personal intimacy, which is unusual since this is a time when I'm shunning any part of personal intimacy with anyone. I've known this person for years and, for the most part, find my interactions with them to be pretty easygoing. Sometimes the very generic quality of our relationship is what makes it so special. We are very different people, but at a certain level there's just acceptance and connection, a sense of if we're going to be a part of each other's lives, this is just how it's going to be. In many ways, it makes our relationship that much easier; less work. It is what it is. I've been surprised to find that after I became content in the knowledge that it would never be something that wholly satisfied me, it has grown into something that indeed offers a great deal of satisfaction nonetheless.
I also got to spend time this evening with someone who, while peripheral in my life, affords me a certain degree of personal intimacy, which is unusual since this is a time when I'm shunning any part of personal intimacy with anyone. I've known this person for years and, for the most part, find my interactions with them to be pretty easygoing. Sometimes the very generic quality of our relationship is what makes it so special. We are very different people, but at a certain level there's just acceptance and connection, a sense of if we're going to be a part of each other's lives, this is just how it's going to be. In many ways, it makes our relationship that much easier; less work. It is what it is. I've been surprised to find that after I became content in the knowledge that it would never be something that wholly satisfied me, it has grown into something that indeed offers a great deal of satisfaction nonetheless.
27 June 2010
Weekend work
It's nearly noon and I took a break from work to play with my Buzz on gmail since it keeps sending me notes. I was following 10 people on there, 4 of which I barely knew. And I don't remember selecting them, so I don't know how that started. But then it showed that I still had my blog account and that I could connect it, so I did. But then I figured I better have at least one entry for people to read, so I logged on. And surprisingly Jason (JDE2) hasn't blocked it here at work, so I'm blogging.
Work has been extremely busy this week. I'm trying to finish one project due on Wednesday that just won't seem to get done/go away. So I came in today and by the time I leave, any piece in my hands to do will be done, leaving only the ones I'm waiting on other people for. We should be able to get it in tomorrow, which I hope gets done. I have a lot of things coming up in summer that are going to have to get done and I want this done.
Personally, things have been very quiet and it's exactly the way I like it. I've come to the conclusion that I really function best as a loner. Ironic, really, that. In the past I went through times where I really was alone and went extended periods barely talking to other people. At that time, I found it lonely and isolating. But over time, what I've discovered about myself is that I prefer lonely and isolated.
Oh, lord...our building cleaning people are here. They will want to chat for hours. If only I could hide...
Work has been extremely busy this week. I'm trying to finish one project due on Wednesday that just won't seem to get done/go away. So I came in today and by the time I leave, any piece in my hands to do will be done, leaving only the ones I'm waiting on other people for. We should be able to get it in tomorrow, which I hope gets done. I have a lot of things coming up in summer that are going to have to get done and I want this done.
Personally, things have been very quiet and it's exactly the way I like it. I've come to the conclusion that I really function best as a loner. Ironic, really, that. In the past I went through times where I really was alone and went extended periods barely talking to other people. At that time, I found it lonely and isolating. But over time, what I've discovered about myself is that I prefer lonely and isolated.
Oh, lord...our building cleaning people are here. They will want to chat for hours. If only I could hide...
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